Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter!

I am not the most skilled when it comes to knitting with double pointed needles, so back in June I decided to try practicing on something small... like a beer bottle. My original intent was that I would get really good and make a couple for a friend; one in red and white with an Ohio State "O", and a navy one with a Boston Red Socks "B". Since he lives part of the year in Cape Cod, MA, and the rest in Key West, FL, (following the warmer weather), I figured that he might like one of these to keep his beer from sweating on him while he watches the games outside. Yes, I am aware that this might make the beer warmer faster, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Anyhoo, aside from not being able to find the right yarn in the right colors, I had some design flaws in the prototypes that were humorous to the point of embarrassment. I'm sure anyone who looks at the photo will agree. As I have posted before, I do some of my knitting at a local bar... not like I go there specifically to knit, I just always have a project with me. Imagine the snickering when I finally bound off my first beer cozy (the white one) while surrounded by a group of about 6 men. I was oblivious to it, since I was just so proud of myself for completing my first double pointed project that had no gaps between the stitches! I turned to the nearest male drinking from a bottle and asked him to try it on, apologizing that it might me a little short but that it was just a tester. He looked a little shocked, but took it anyway. Before I knew it, my beer cozy was headed towards the men's bathroom. "Wait!" I yelled, "where are you going? I want to see if it fits!" Everyone burst out laughing, two people choked on their beer, and I'm sure I turned bright red when he yelled from across the room that he wasn't going to drop his pants in the middle of the bar to try on a "cock sock".
Eventually I was able to laugh at it myself... I mean, it does resemble that. It did fit a beer bottle, but just as I suspected, it was a little short. So I made the green one, which cinches and ties around the tapered part of the bottle.
Since then, I have not made any more, and the teasing finally has stopped. At the time, I did get several requests for different team logos on beer cozies, but unfortunately the yarn I'd like to use doesn't come in NFL or baseball team colors. In the last two weeks, however, I have gotten THREE requests for "cock socks"... I won't mention any names, but they're not even any of the guys that were there that day at the bar back in June! I guess the word spread. I don't know what's weirder - the fact that people want them, or that there are two different patterns on the web for them! (I'll add links later). I really tried to keep a straight face when I was pulled into a corner and asked if I could knit someone a willy warmer, but come on, it's funny!
So my dilemma is this: Do I actually make them? I can't imagine they'll be used - or at least I don't want to think about them being used, and it seems like a waste of yarn.
Then again, they would be pretty funny stocking stuffers...

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

This morning the phone rang at 8:30, which in my opinion is too early for anyone to call on a Sunday. More disturbing than this was that I was already awake. I am blaming this entirely on the cat. Maestro had been trying for at least ten minutes to find the perfect spot on top of me but under the blanket before finally giving up and leaving. I didn't get out of bed until 9 on principle alone and was shocked, (once I finished rubbing the sleep out of my eyes), to find it was snowing. I know it's December, but I very loudly cursed the weather anyway. [Insert favorite expletive here]! After checking emails and having some caffeine, I was able to look out the window and begin to see that it actually does look pretty out there!

Mesmerized by the constant falling and swirling of tiny flakes, I drifted into thoughts about all the gifts still to be knit before Christmas, digging the fiber-optic tree out of the attic (shown above), the vast quantities of crap I have accrued over the years that I really should get rid of because they're in the attic taking up space and never get used, the sweaters still in storage up there that need dry-cleaning, the laundry I have to do, the job I interviewed for last week, the guy that never called yesterday, the guy I should have called two days ago, the holiday decorating still to do at the bar, the huge pimple on my cheek I knew I was going to get from eating too much American cheese... it began to get overwhelming, and I started to feel like I should just go back to bed and stay there until the sun came out. I decided that these things were really not that bad individually, and that it was just PMS compounding them all together like that into a big, steaming pile of emotional poop. Trying to place a positive spin on the day, (it's only 11am, after all), I got out the mental pooper-scooper and started planning my day rationally instead of emotionally. This mode of thinking produced a couple of lists, as it usually does. There is Today's To-Do, Holiday Decorating To-Do, Holiday Gift Making, Work Related To-Do, and Personal To-Do. Looking at them makes it all seem more manageable, and writing everything down made me feel better. One problem - I hardly ever refer back to my lists and keep myself as organized as intended.

After looking at them all a few times, I decided that I really would feel a lot better if laundry was out of the way. I have mentioned before how much I despise laundry, and I really do hate it more than almost anything. Usually, I will wait until I'm in my last pair of underwear before I do it, but since I am soon to be busy at work, having everything clean to start the week with would stress me out less in the long run. Unfortunately for me, I have let a bag of pantyhose, tights, and knee-highs sit in the corner for too long now, and today's laundry task involves a lot of hand washing. YUCK!! The process also involves a big time purge of summer and fall clothes that [don't fit anymore/aren't worn ever/out of style/etc] to make room for those sweaters in the attic. I have obviously been putting this off for months. Damn bulky sweaters. I am tempted to get rid of a lot of them since they're acrylic and make me sweat even when it's freezing out, but that will have to wait until I can afford a complete sweater over-haul.

I have done a good job of keeping on top of knitting commissioned Christmas gifts, since they're actually paying me, but I have totally put off things for my friends and family. Like my dad's birthday in 3 days, or two people having babies in early December, two birthdays in mid-December, and finally, Christmas. Ack! In September, I got the idea that I would make knitted lace ornaments. I found a pattern online, (pattern can be found here) and loved it - only the sample I knitted came out HUGE and is better suited as a decorative hot air balloon. I knew this would happen, since I used a larger needle and yarn, but it was just for practice before I want crazy making them ornament size. Imagine it turned upside down from the way it is hanging with a small basket attached to the bottom...


As much as I think this woman is a genius for coming up with the pattern, I do not like the seam in the back. I purposely took the picture from an angle where it was not visible, since I feel it ruins the ball. I decided back then that I would write my own pattern, using size 1 double-pointed needles, and make it seamless. Ha! I got as far as buying the needles and a handful of yarns to play with. It's been in the back of my mind ever since, kindof like the neckties I have had all year to line and still haven't. Today is the day for ornament experimentation! In between loads of laundry and waiting for my sweaters to dry, I will be planted on the couch watching romantic old movies, trying to figure out how to make a perfect three dimensional lace ball on four very small needles.
At the very least, I would like to give 2-4 to a friend whose birthday is Dec. 13. She usually has a tree-trimming party at her apartment around that time, and every year for the past 5 or so years, I have given her either a set of ornaments or one special one to add to her collection. Some people would not like this as they have a particular theme or way they want their tree to look, and maybe she really doesn't want outside ornaments, but I honestly think she does. All in all, she has incredibly good taste and owns mostly high-end things, but she and I seem to have the same general feeling about Christmas tree decorating, which is that aside from proper light stringing, putting up ornaments brings back memories. Well, not every single generic ball that came in a box of 12, but the special ones. I have gotten to know her special ornaments over the years, and am flattered that she remembers every single one I have given her, even when I don't recognize them!
I decorate at the bar, and have done so pretty much every year for the past 7 or 8 years, and as much fun as it is to get people to hang stuff up and get everyone "in the holiday spirit" there, it's very generic decorating. Drunk people are worse than children in wanting to touch things, and sometimes they break or steal things so for that venue, fancier decorations are limited and have to be placed out of reach. My parents do not get a real tree anymore, and although we put up the fiber-optic tabletop tree, I feel like something is missing unless I get to help her with her tree. Toasting with eggnog or champagne, plopping down on the couch, and admiring a beautiful tree once you've finished... there's nothing like it. I will forever be grateful to have a friend who has invited me to share her holiday tradition for so many years!

Okay, lost focus there for a minute, and now the computer's going to run out of battery. I guess it's a sign that I should stop procrastinating and get on with the laundry after all. I will post pics of my progress - the good, the bad and the ugly - of the circular lace ornaments as they come together!

"Can I Measure Your Head?"

I'm sure anyone out there can imagine how this was received when I walked into a bar full of men and made the announcement that I was on a mission to measure all of their heads. After they ran out of comments, most of them started shouting out their hat size, which I tried to tell them means nothing to me. That turned into a group ponder about how hat size is determined, since it has no obvious correlation to actual head measurement. This also was of very little interest to me at the time, (but if anyone knows, that would make my life a lot easier when someone asks for a hat!), and after a few more turns of the conversation that led away from hats altogether, I let out a fairly obnoxious "Ahem!" Since I had their attention again, I explained that men's heads confuse me. I feel heads vary more in circumference from man to man than from woman to woman, and it is hard to estimate exactly how big one is just by looking at it. They all know I knit, (since I do it right in front of them), and they did a fairly good job of feigning sympathy when I confessed that I have a serious problem with knitting men's hats. I have never been able to make one that fits the person it was made for, let alone anyone else I could convince to try them on, and that I screwed myself by saying I would make one for someone. Once the measuring tape came out it was a different story, and they were more weirded out by it than I ever could've imagined. Even with all the lewd jokes when I first walked in, when it was time to get serious about it, they acted like I really did want them to drop trow (trou?) and have their privates measured in the middle of a room full of other guys. The 4 that agreed to let their head size be put on record, (not to mention being compared to other men's head sizes), of course wanted to measure their own. For a bunch of guys, most of whom make a living by or are experienced in measuring things for building purposes an whatnot, they didn't seem to understand a flexible measuring tape very well. Just by watching, which was all I could do, I knew it wasn't even worth writing down the blatantly inaccurate information I was getting. I do plan on trying this again, and maybe again after that. I wonder how many times will it take before they understand that I am serious about this and just let me wrap the damn tape around their heads myself?
Of course when I actually took out the "test hat" I had just started knitting, they all wanted to try it on, even though there was only about 3 inches of it done. I finished it there, and was once again disheartened when it fit no one :( The proof is in the pudding folks, I am no good at men's hats. I will persevere! It will probably be a New Year's resolution I can stick to!

Here is the Hand Made Hat that was going to be so wonderful. It would be, if I had paid better attention and trusted my instincts. I know that if I only ripped out the decrease section and then about an inch or so and re-knit it it would come out just fine and probably even fit someone but screw it, it would still have to be someone with an enormous noggin. Here it is on a woman's head form, but it was still big around on men's heads... and it is quite obvious to me now that I should have started the decreases earlier. I think I was hoping that whoever put it on would look as good in it as the guy in the photo, but unfortunately this was not the case.

It Must Be In The Stars

Tim was wearing his cowl out and about and a friend of his liked it so much, he's ordered two of them from me for Christmas gifts! I am super-excited! I hung out with the two of them last night and this afternoon, Jackie and I went over to WoolWORKS to pick up some more Noro. I was given creative freedom in color choices, but knew that he really liked the color I originally used (2011), so I planned on making at least one in that colorway. I poked through, and nothing there grabbed at me. Although all beautiful color combinations, they were not quite as neutral and definately not as masculine. But one thing did stand out - there was no 2011. Ack! The woman who works there kindly offered to check in the back, and to my delight she re-appeared with 4 balls! Maybe it was the wicked hangover, but I felt like crying. I bought all 4. Hindsight tells me I should have only purchased two and looked around to see if I found another colorway that struck me. I still might and give him a choice, since 2023 is also nice and he gave me a larger deposit than I asked for. He also offered to pay me more than I asked for, too. He is also fantastic at karaoke. What a guy!
So did I cast on immediately? Of course not! Like I said, wicked hangover. Something tells me trying to cast on 165 sts today is not a good idea, no matter how much the universe seems to be on my side. I did, however, manage to jam up the printer trying to print the Men's Bias Knit Tie from Knitpicks. Finally got it to print and I think I may start it while I watch TV in bed. Well, I'll start a gauge swatch. Tomorrow, somewhere in between the farmer's market and work, I will cast on the cowl.

Diagonal Rib Cowl aka The Happy Mistake

Halloween afternoon, I met Tim on the Avenue for lunch. Although I hadn't finished weaving in the ends, I asked him to try on the cowl to check its size and took the opportunity to snap a pic. I think it looks smashing on him! It's nowhere near what he's been asking for, (a long blue scarf), but I gave it to him anyway. It was kindof a pre-thank you for helping me carve jack-o-lanterns for the bar. I had to beg for it back to tuck in the rest of the loose yarn, so he must've liked it!

I really like the idea of a continuous loop for a scarf, as it gives the wearer more options of how to wear it than a straight one. Plus, I think it's stylish and different without being too out there. The first cowl, as beautiful as it turned out, left something to be desired. As with most things I do in life, I felt I could've done better, and I was determined to prove it. I also wanted to make something in mistake rib stitch to see how the stitch would translate to John's O'Scarf. I hadn't found the yarn for that project yet, and I felt the need to work on it without being able to work on it. What resulted was the happiest mistake I have made since I began knitting!

Now for the pattern:

Noro Silk Garden Lite, 2 skeins. Shown in color 2011.
1 pair size 10 1/2 circular needles (I can't remember the length; maybe 24"?)
Finished size: approx 57" around and 6" wide (no blocking)

Cast on 165 sts. Place marker and join into a round, (being careful not to twist the stitches, of course). Knit 3 rounds. On 4th rd, knit the first stitch, then continue in P2, K2 rib until piece measures approximately 5 3/4"*. Knit last 3 rounds. Bind off using suspended BO method, weave in ends, and enjoy!

*Depending on how you choose to blend the colors when you change balls, it may be possible to work in rib pattern for another 1/2" to 1" before switching to stockinette. I did not want two stripes of orange so close together, and started a little further into the second ball, since the first color on that ball was orange.

Little Ruff for MJ

Yay! Even though I woke up feeling like my sinuses would implode, I got some good news... Sassy sister sewed the button on the little ruffle "scarf" I made for MJ in September. Sass liked the one I had made for myself so much she dug through her stash and found a beautiful ball of merino wool for me to make one for the baby. We both thought it would not only be too cute for words, but pretty functional as well. Babies don't really have long necks, and I honestly don't know how other people address the scarf issue with their kids, but it seemed like a little Elizabethan collar would do the trick. It looks a little clown-ish on me, but MJ is so freakin' cute we could wrap a dirty old tube sock around her neck and people would still compliment her in it. As of today, the very active toddler was not in the mood for posing in her fantastic winter-wear, but I was promised a photo when it happens.
(Sassy has done a better job at linking details of this pattern through her site; I am still new to blogging and the internet in general, so please see her page for details.)

A Very Long Halloween Rant

For me, Halloween takes up almost all of October. For the past 6 years, I have been decorating a beloved local dive bar for almost all of their holidays festivities and parties, so in addition to finding a costume and carving pumpkins for the house, I run around like a crazy person trying to find the best decorations at the best price possible.

This year I scored some big plastic chains and energy-efficient LED string lights, as well as super-sized spiders and some pre-carved pumpkins. I usually carve the pumpkins myself, but I figured that they last longer and save me a heck of a lot of time. A friend helped me carve out the small pumpkins that get used on the bar top which was a lifesaver. Usually I do this by myself, as I am a control freak (this year I had some wicked PMS, too!) and don't like biting someones head off for something that is really not that big of a deal, but he knows me pretty well and took all of my moods in stride. The biggest hit of all were the "pull-back mice" Jackie found while we were in Target. She got some for her cats, I got some for the bartenders to freak people out with. Pull it back & let it go, and they go scurrying across the bar just like a real mouse, skillfully dodging pints of Guinness and sometimes even changing direction all on their own. I'd say they were thoroughly enjoyed by all. Losing a few was unavoidable, but I really had no hope of keeping those for next year anyway. Of course, a couple got smashed or taken apart "just to see how they work". Boys.

Real pumpkins in foreground with plug-ins in background, and a pull-back mouse

Every year I have the thought to buy things for the following year the day after Halloween when everything is super cheap, but two things usually hold me back. The first is a hangover. Even when I wake up feeling somewhat functional November 1, the second reason comes into play - a totally chaotic and overstuffed storeroom that makes it near impossible to find anything that is stored within its walls. Even the brightly colored storage bins bought specifically for holiday decor are hard to find, as they are buried under mountains of empty beer boxes, avalanches of free t-shirts, and piles of liquor company giveaways. It doesn't even take all year to lose them, either. I'll go in to that storeroom next week and not find one trace of Halloween, except for the random string of hokey plastic pumpkin lights that doesn't even work but has been so intricately wound around four boxes, a mirror, a shelving unit, and some liquor bottles that it was deemed too risky to move... four years ago. I do not know where Gary hides it all, and I don't care, as long as he can unearth it again when needed. Can you blame me for not wanting to buy ahead? The chances of finding everything are slim as it is, and who need to drive themselves nuts looking for a bag of half-priced spider webs? I have dreams about cleaning that storeroom. I have begged them to let me lock myself in there for a week and just organize. I have even promised not to throw anything out, but it's useless. I can only cross my fingers and hope we'll be able to find the "new" stuff again next year.

Chains, LED lights, and everyone's favorite web... dust on lamp was included with bar's existing decor!

Spider webs and large spider

As much as I love the preparation and celebration, I am relieved it's over. Any perfectionist that has tried to fill every wall of anywhere with those stretchy nylon spiderwebs knows what I'm talking about. I took a stroll around the 'hood and looked at what a crap-ass job some of the neighbors did in order to begin to appreciate my own work. Then I went back, had a tomolive martini, and started knitting. When I looked up again, the lights had been dimmed and to me, the bar looked awesome.
The pictures were taken after the bar had cleared out Halloween night, and all decorations had gotten a little wilted after being played with all week long.
Yes, I knit in a bar. I actually do some of my best work in there.

Amended. Ponchos are more Spanish than French.
Pon Gato or Ponch Gato... tbd.

I have decided to make Maestro a poncho.
I will call it the Pon Chat.

Maybe I should get one like Jemaine's

Things I miss about having a cell phone:
1. always knowing what time it is
2. text messaging
3. being able to call people for answers to silly questions
4. alarm clock, calculator, and calender.

Things I do not miss about having a cell phone:
1. always knowing what time it is
2. getting psycho text messages
3. being able to call people for answers to silly questions when I'm drunk

I think I will get a new one, since I'm not feeling the whole people-calling-me-at-home thing. I like to be able to send people to voice mail myself. Plus, Macy's sent me a refund check today! Apparently I've been over-paying my bill... for a year! Automatic bill payment is super handy, but I guess I should still open the bills when they come. Duh. The new phone will not be as super sexy and shiny as the missing one unfortunately, and I will miss my pictures :( I am not looking forward to getting used to all new ring tones, either. I have almost finished my apron! Too bad I'm going to rip out the entire top, since I have too many decreases and they're way too close together. I also want to change the waist tie and extend the lace pattern up a bit further. No pics yet, but I suppose I'll take a few before fixing it so I can someday look back and laugh at how I ever could've been so silly. So I wrote out a pattern last night. I'm sure it's going to go better than fully winging it, which is how I ended up with a bib that doesn't even cover both of my nipples at the same time. Considering that I have a slight frame and small boobs, the apron wasn't looking good as a "one size fits all" item. Let's cross our fingers for a better outcome the second time around.

I finished the cowl last week. It now sits in my mom's office, waiting. I asked her to take a picture for me of it on the happy recipient's neck, but just in case it doesn't fit, (heaven forbid!), I took a few of it on the counter. The pictures of it are on mom's camera, which is right now somewhere in the Caribbean. I have no idea how much memory they have with them, and I'm nervous they'll be completely out of character and take lots of pictures. Hopefully my 3 will make the final cut! I really liked the colors of the yarn, but it is so freakin' hairy I am actually relieved to be rid of it. I do like the pattern, though, and I think I will get another ball of less irritating yarn and do it again. Won't be as light and airy looking, but that's probably OK. More masculine I suppose. I wrote that pattern down somewhere... where is that? I will put up both patterns soon.

Monday I am going to Brooklyn General and I am so excited! Finally I can get something to make the totally boring ribbed man scarf. The woman at WoolWorks suggested I use a slip-stitch rib pattern and I think I will take her advice. It not only creates a finished product that looks more interesting, it is more interesting. It was a sad moment when "What can I make for you?" was answered with "A hat and ribbed scarf". Yawn! I was all set to make something serious. I thought about making Henry from the Fall '07 issue of Knitty since it's so handsome, but then decided that I should just give the man what he wants... well, something closer to what he wants. I will call it John O'Scarf. I am thinking grey, since he looks good in grey, and it goes with navy blue, black, and army green, which is what he primarily wears. And it's the new black. I am stumped on the hat, though. I have never had success with hats for some reason. I will have to ask for a few different head measurements.

Take a deep, cleansing breath...

I've finally been invited to join Ravelry and I am pumped. I would be more excited about having my stash and projects organized so neatly if I could figure out the whole "adding photos" thing, but I'm sure its my problem, not flickr's!
So, if I can figure this out, I will be putting up pictures from my friend and I's first attempt at felting. (How's my grammar?) Jackie made the Fat Bottom Bag from Stitch N Bitch The Happy Hooker using Patons SWS, and although it was beautiful before felting, (sorry no pics pre-felt), it was a little floppy and needed lining to be functional. So we decided to try felting.
It was an experiment of dual proportion:
1. Neither of us had felted anything before
2. Patons SWS is a blend of wool and soy
Needless to say, we were nervous, since everything we've read about felting led us to believe there was a possibility of unevenness or failure with a blended yarn, not to mention the possibility of over felting it since we were both virgins! The fact that one of Patons pattern books specifically for the SWS yarn had a pattern for a felted bag eased our minds... a little. I mean really, who wants to risk destroying an already perfect FO? So in it went, handles and all! (J deemed them too much of a pain to take off, since they are worked in to the last few rows of crochet and she would've had to re-do a couple of inches)
Now let me tell you a little something about myself. I hate laundry. It is one of the banes of my existence, for the simple reason that it is never really done. Made more tedious as I get older, (more line/lay flat drying due to actually following the mfr instructions), it doesn't help that for the life of me, I can't keep track of it unless I carry the kitchen timer around with me all day. 3 loads will take me at least a day and a half, and a load will inevitably be left in the washer or dryer until I realize I can't find my favorite jeans or that all of my panties are missing. I have secretly accused friends and family members of borrowing - and not returning! - the sweater that has been drying in the basement for a month.
Knowing this about myself, I figured that if anyone has the ability to over-felt, it's totally me. Even with Jackie in the house with me - someone who knows my attention span and definitely had more to lose from this going wrong - we managed to get distracted by another experiment and lost track of time.
To our surprise and delight, it came out looking super! Okay, maybe we could've taken it out earlier, but at least it wasn't a wallet!

Way more functional this way - now nothing will poke through or snag those precious stitches!

Okay, still need to work on picture placement. I'm honestly just relieved they are on the page at all.

Remember that cleansing breath?
We have made it through the first post and added pictures - You may exhale.